Observations

I have recently found myself in a number of conversations regarding the way in which people change after consuming alcohol, with particular reference to the alter egos that often appear after a few shots of tequila. Now, i’m aware that not everyone may have an alter ego, and those that do know that this is not something that can be planned. It just happens.

For example, meet Valerie-Anne…

Val is often found in the streets of Malia straddled around strange men’s waists, pole dancing or topless on bars. Despite being an Irish gypsy that is married to ‘John Boy’ the bare knuckle fighter, she sure knows how to have a good time and after enough drinks I transform from a socially inept girl into a lairy Irish maneater.

However, my favourite transformation of all time has to be a friend of mine, who, when drunk becomes Helga who is both terrifying and a potential candidate for the sex offenders list. So, I thought I would entertain you all with a few of Helga’s best qualities…

You always know that Helga has made an appearance when she wakes up wearing nothing but a pair of socks.

Helga is often found seducing men in venues such as ‘The Raz’ with the classic lasso and drag or finger beckon manoeuvres. Once she has managed to get the males attention, Helga is never too shy to make the first move.

Helga has been known to suck strange men’s toes during sex, which is, of course, unbelievably seductive

My favourite memory of Helga, however, has to be when she was found running through the corridors at halls and throwing food around the kitchen. This may sound relatively normal, but of course, being Helga, she was wearing nothing but a pair of socks whilst doing so.

I can’t actually believe that it has taken me up until now to comment on the pure travesty that occurred earlier this week when Tulisa was named FHM’s sexiest woman. It wasn’t even the knowledge that the majority of my friends on Facebook are sexier than Tulisa, including a number of my mother’s friends and a few boys that annoyed me the most. What was most horrifying was that she managed to attain this title after the video was released of her giving what has got to be one of the worst blowjobs ever.

The sad truth of the fact that girls for the next few decades will be modelling themselves on someone that looks like this… … and modelling their blowjobs on the one that was demonstrated by her in that video, probably including the strange and unnecessary boob slip is a tragedy for men worldwide.

Just to add salt to the wound, it isn’t even as if the other 99 people on the list are a compilation of the likes of Susan Boyle and my grandmother, they include the likes of Mila Kunis, Rosie Huntington Whitely and Irina Shayk.

I just hope that FHM have learnt their lesson and that next year’s list will not provide quite as much heartache.